I had a day. I had my day fucking planned. I knew what I was doing and I borrowed the convertible and I had A DAY. PLANNED. FOR MYSELF. TO ENJOY.
And you ruined it.
I wasn’t in pain. You know what causes pain? Stress.
I used to think that people meant well. That it was only here, here in this place that I would be mistreated. If I got out there, if I took the time to get out of this backwards-thinking, incredibly restrictive area I would see that the world was open and loving and free. I would see that my belief in the good of humanity would be rewarded. People aren’t like the ones I knew in elementary school, kicking dirt in my face or yelling at me for having a lesbian mother. I can still hear a little girl’s mother yelling that her children weren’t allowed to be around me, like I was dirty. All because of whom my mother loved? Surely the world wasn’t this way. Nothing could be THIS unfair forever.
I should stop. I shouldn’t write when I’m angry. I say things I’ll regret. And I shouldn’t let the ignorance of stupid people get to me. I should just enjoy myself, surround myself with bright and intelligent people and ignore the rest. Just like ignorant people surround themselves with ignorant people to reinforce their views. But I stepped off that track a long time ago. Because if you just explain, I used to think, if you just explain then they’ll understand. They’ll see. They’ll get it. People aren’t like that because they’re hateful and mean. No one is hateful and mean on purpose.
Some people are hateful and mean on purpose. A lot of people are hateful and mean on purpose. For fun. And now I’m about to walk into a country full of mean and hateful people, it seems. I live in a country full of hateful and mean people. I’m leaving one country of hateful, mean, ignorant people to go to another country of mean, hateful, and ignorant people and this IS NOT THE WAY THINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO TURN OUT. NO. NO NO NO NO NO.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE UNDERSTOOD. TO BE LOVED. TO NOT BE FUCKING TREATED LIKE SHIT. I know you lose your voice when you start to curse, I know you lose your intelligence and your battle and your worth as a writer is compromised when you start swearing at people but FUCK FUCK SHIT GODDAMNIT!!! NO. This isn’t what I want.
This is hard. Why is it so fucking hard??????? Why can’t I just… I just wanted to find a place with nice people. I just wanted to know that the world wasn’t one giant racist, homophobic, snotty, superior, arrogant pile of crap.
I wanted to find a nice place to raise my kids, with supportive people who weren’t intolerant and who actually cared about other people. And now I’m fighting my ass off to move to a country where NO ONE WANTS ME. Even my own “family” posts anti-immigrant things on social media. “Oh, that’s not directed at you.” They say. Bullshit. EVERY ANTI-IMMIGRANT POST IS DIRECTED AT EVERY IMMIGRANT. I will stand for all immigrants, those who seek asylum because they are running from a country and government that treats them like cattle, or those who spend years and thousands of dollars to be granted the privilege of being allowed to touch our dirty immigrant feet onto your precious soil. Only to spend thousands more dollars and years and years of our time before we can feel “safe” in our own homes.
Australia, I want you. America, I love you. But why, why do you have to be SO DISAPPOINTING???
You are the girls of my childhood, the elementary school clique I could never join, the children who teased me, the harassment of my high school peers and teachers. You are the sophomore year English teacher who physically pinned me to a wall and yanked off my jacket in high school, to see the cuts on my arms, and then reported ME to the administration for abuse because I screamed and screamed for him to stop, to “Get the fuck away from me.” You are the boys who got me drunk and raped me. You are the family of the man who forced me to have an abortion, showing up at my workplace and telling me to “not ruin their lives”. You are all of my worst nightmares now, you are everything I have always hated, you are all that is left that can hurt me now that my parents are gone.
You have all the power, and I have none. America, Australia. I am at your mercy and you are merciless.