How long has it been since I’ve posted? How long has it been since I’ve written? How long has it been since I felt the catharsis of letting the words flow from my brain to my fingers to the keys on this keyboard to see them on this page. How long?
Too long. It’s been too long. I was going to blame it on the drugs, the abuse, the depression, but those things have never stopped me before. I think I gave up on myself. I think, for the first time in my entire life, I actually gave up the one thing I love most in this world- placing words on paper in a way that makes other people feel something. Maybe writing won’t ever make me famous or make me money, but it makes me complete and for some reason, I cannot imagine my stupid, small life without it.
Would you like to catch up on my Quest? Because this blog was so aptly titled all those years ago, and even then I thought it would be a temporary name. But no, this blog is perfectly named. Because I am still looking for perfection. I am still looking for all of the pieces of my life to fall into place become the picture of loveliness that I know it can be.
Suddenly I’m 27. Suddenly I’m engaged. Suddenly I’m actively planning to start a family and being proactive about it. Suddenly I’m taking extra effort to be an adult. Suddenly I’m moving back to Australia- forever this time. Because I’m marrying an Australian. Suddenly it looks my life is turning out perfect.
And I am terrified. I am so absolutely fucking scared I don’t know what to do. This fear just popped up in the last few days, when I realized that these genetic tests and blood tests and ultrasounds and exams and prescriptions and plans- they meant that this was all real. And now I find myself buying wedding magazines but never actually looking at them. They just pile up on my bed, in completely perfect condition. I find myself unable to make any more bookings or decisions about the wedding that I insisted on, because I cannot believe it. This is it. I was so intent on running forward, I got to a point where there was absolutely no turning back. This is it. I am an adult.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m marrying my dream man, in my dream chapel, with a reception at a venue that is beyond gorgeous. I am thrilled and excited and beyond overwhelmed. My life- it’s going to be amazing. I’m marrying a man who was terrified of committing to someone who was so ready to settle down that he pushed against it but decided I was worth it. ME. I am worth it. To this one person, I am worth the world.
But there is still a part of me that is fighting it. I know there always will be. I’ve come to learn that there is a part of me that will always believe that the other road would’ve been better. I will always have a bit of me that thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, that going right instead of left would’ve been more exciting. I just can’t make myself lose that. But there’s so much of me that wants this- so very much of me that wants this that I cannot bear to consider the alternative.
But when I look into my future, I see the the random holidays with family and I see children and I see backpacking around Europe with a baby firmly strapped to my front. I see all the things I’ve ever wanted. Because there is not a chance on this earth I would raise my child without all the benefits I’ve had in my life. There are things I’ll do differently, and there are things I won’t do at all, but there are some things I’d never give up. Concerts at age 2? Of course. Running naked through National Parks while bears and deer look on? Without a doubt. Making an active commitment to the women in my life who helped raise me, even though they had absolutely no responsibility to? No question. I will make my mother and my father proud, even if I never know it.
Last night I wrote a letter to my daughter. I wrote to her all the things I wanted for her, all the things I hoped she’ll have. It hurt. Because it occurred to me that all I’ve wanted my entire life is a little girl, and I’m so incredibly close to that now. And it’s terrifying, absolutely terrifying. Because once she’s here- if I am ever so lucky- everything else will stop. There will be no more running away.
But for once in my life I’ve realized I think I know where home is. 27 years and I think I’ve found my home. And I’ll do anything I can to get back there. There’s a boy out there who loves me for some strange and incomprehensible reason, and he just happens to be related to my best friend. And I’ve found an amazing and lovely friend in my other sister in law. I have lost both my parents, they are gone from me now. But I still have two more. And I have people waiting for me.
I have a wedding to plan and a family to build and a life to begin and a Quest to finish. But I just wanted to say this one last thing, before I go.
There haven’t been many days in my life where I haven’t wanted to kill myself, one way or another. I haven’t known a lot of time without serious depression. But I can tell you that the moments I’ve felt safest, happiest, and healthiest- they’ve been with my fiancé. I guess that’s how you know it’s true love. When you know that there’s one person you know will be there forever, no matter how difficult you are.
There’s not a moment I don’t miss my parents. They’re gone and there’s nothing I can do to get them back. But I can make sure that my children know everything about them that is humanly possible to know. I will make sure they know that my father had a passion for economics but was drafted for the Vietnam War and had to go into teaching, and that’s why he lived through that war. I will make sure my mother had a passion for music and dance and that she had the same anxiety issues I have. I will make sure that they know that my parents wanted me as much, if not more, than I want them. They’ll know how to make my mother’s Christmas cookies and my Nonna’s pasta sauce. They’ll know how to cook like my father and that friends are family- that everyone is welcome.
I have so much to learn still, before I become a mother myself. I have so much to learn about life. There are so many things I’d like to see before I just settle into a relaxing home life. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my parents, it’s that you can take kids anywhere. Backpacking, camping, concerts, flying, travelling- you can do those things with children. I mean, it’s harder. But I’ve never once made anything easy for myself. Ever.
So I’m hoping my visa comes soon. I’m hoping to hear from immigration, I’m hoping to hear that I can be with my future family and future husband and we can start our life together. But don’t mistake my eagerness for a lack of fear- I’m terrified. But what do they say about bravery? Being terrified and doing it anyway?
I’ll never let them down. I will always be brave.
And I will be writing more. Because as crappy and as jumbled and as random as this post was, it felt so good just to feel my fingers on the keys that I hope I can convince myself to do this more.